Lately, I’ve found myself wondering why I struggle with certain thoughts and feelings. They keep knocking and asking me to come out and play the negativity game. I’ve always considered myself to be quite a strong, independent, and positive person, so I reply “NO,” close the invisible door, and proceed to play the game with myself (Haha, what an idiot).
I start playing around with trying to understand why I can’t “stay the course,” be fearless, banish negative feelings, and “just do it.” To make matters worse and more foolish, I start down the dangerous path of questioning why my cards don’t look like the cards’ of others. “What’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to do what [insert the many names here] does? What makes me different from [insert many more names here]. Oh yes, I torture myself for a few minutes with that self-inflicted emotional abuse. And then, I start to uncover the answer to my self-harming questions. Simply put, I ate it.
I started to accept the fact that as much I’ve been trying to use my Iron-Man-like armor to deflect the negative ideas, thoughts, and words expressed TO and AROUND me throughout my life, in some way, I’ve allowed some of them to permeate my impenetrable armor. I ate the fear, unbelief, negativity, stereotypes, and social limitations fed to me by the world, society, family, friends, media, and strangers, and please don’t ask me how it happened. Trust me, admitting this has activated the Hulk in me, because I’d like to believe that I’ve taking enough steps throughout my life to rid myself of negative ideas and limitations that were either fed to me or that I willing ate.
Here’s what I know. My current struggles and fears are by-products of the fears, thoughts, ideas, and lifestyles of some of the various types of people within my life growing up. From family and friends to strangers and entertainers, their thoughts, actions, and lifestyles taught me what to dream, what to fear, and how to live. Many people have been able to completely take the great things from their environment, denounce the bad, and achieve magnificent success. So, there still is hope that my life’s movie will end like a Marvel comic film – the main character experiences challenge, is able to identify the flaw in or kryptonite to their super-powers, and then regroups to whip the ass-paragus of the antagonist.
It is alright. I have eaten some kryptonite along the way, failed to account for the flaws in my armor, but just as Iron man would, I am identifying who, when, what, and where I’ve eaten poison along the way and rebuilding my armor to be stronger and more efficient. Future steps equal watching out for eating the negativity around me and continuing to live life with a clearer, more positive, more determined mind. I may have eaten it, but I don’t have to keep eating it.
You are what you eat, so maybe it’s time for some reflective mental detox.