Lately, I’ve found myself wondering why I struggle with certain thoughts and feelings. They keep knocking and asking me to come out and play the negativity game. I’ve always considered myself to be quite a strong, independent, and positive person, so I reply “NO,” close the invisible door, and proceed to play the game with myself.

I start playing around with trying to understand why I can’t stay the course, be fearless, banish negative feelings, and just do it. To make matters worse, I start down the dangerous path of questioning why my cards don’t look like the cards’ of others. “What’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to do what [insert the many names here] does? What makes me different from [insert many more names here]? Oh yes, I torture myself for a few minutes with that self-inflicted emotional abuse. And then, I start to uncover the answer to my self-harming questions. Simply put, I internalized it. 

I started to realize the fact that as much I’ve been trying to use my Iron-Man-like armor to deflect the negative ideas, thoughts, and words expressed TO and AROUND me throughout my life, in some way, I’ve allowed some of them to permeate my impenetrable armor. I ate the fear, unbelief, negativity, stereotypes, and social limitations fed to me by the world, society, family, friends, media, and strangers. I looked up and didn’t know how it happened. It just does if we’re not careful.

Here’s what I know. My current struggles and fears are by-products of the fears, thoughts, ideas, and lifestyles of some of the various types of people in my life growing up. From family and friends to strangers and entertainers, their thoughts, actions, and lifestyles taught me what to dream, what to fear, and how to live. Many people have been able to completely take the great things from their environment, denounce the bad, and achieve magnificent success. So, there still is hope that my life’s movie will end like a Marvel comic film with the main character experiencing a challenge, being able to identify the flaw in or kryptonite to their super-powers, and then regrouping to beat the antagonist.

It is alright. I have eaten some kryptonite along the way, and failed to account for the flaws in my armor; however, I am identifying the who, when, what, and where I’ve eaten poison along the way and rebuilding my armor (my mind) to be stronger and more efficient. Future steps include watching out for eating the negativity around me and continuing to live life with a clearer, more positive, more focused mind.

You may have eaten it, but you don’t have to keep eating it.

We are what we eat, so maybe it’s time for a mental detox.