Musings of a Strong Person

I don’t know who, what, when, where, or how… but I know I will.

I don’t know how I got here.

I don’t know where I am going.

I don’t know if this will be a success or a failure.

I don’t know why I even listened to that person.

I don’t know why I even let it affect me.

I don’t know why I am different.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, if at all anything.

I don’t know why I am thinking this right now.

I don’t know why that even bothers me.

I don’t know why they can and I can’t.

Sometimes, I just don’t know.

If you take this as an admission of insecurity, then so be it. Rather, I chose to see it as the shades of life that we all have to go through. As much as reality tells me that I cannot sail on the waves of happiness all the time, I still get surprised when I have these confused emotions. They are not sad emotions, and I am sure that they are not joyful ones either; they just are what they are. Sometimes, I just don’t know.

It seems that a significant portion of our lives is spent not knowing the answers. Life is supposed to be about the process and enjoying the “ride,” right?  Well, I am innately more of a “where are we going” type of gal and the times in which my life plan does not make complete sense really puts a damper on things. As I have grown older, I have come to develop more patience in myself, God, and the universe to believe that different aspects of my life will all make sense at some point. (I could insert the plethora of interpretations of the meaning of life here, but I will refrain from giving myself a headache). Point blank, the theory of the meaning of life really doesn’t change the fact that along each journey there are just process moments in which we just “don’t know.” But, despite the random moments of confusion, there are many moments when the stars seem to align and make total sense to me.  Then, randomly there emerges again times when some of the questions mentioned above simply dominate my mind.

Earlier in my life, these process moments would secretly drive me crazy. I would spend so much private time thinking and thinking and praying and praying either to only find the answer to the immediate next step or to only get partial visions of the big picture…. but never figuring out the entire picture. But then again, I was the strong one, the one everyone thought was great and possessed amazing potential so I believe I had to know and be certain of where I was going and demonstrate the iron-clad will to get there. I placed so much pressure on myself to do the impossible, like figure out my whole life by 16, then 18, then 21, then every year thereafter until now. Along the way, I cannot count how many people said “you should do [insert idea here],” further clouding my mind and making it harder for me to see my passions and desires, and most importantly, to see what was and is best for me.

You better believe that I had many internal freaking out sessions trying to figure out my life. Until, I finally realized that I would never be able to figure it all out, well at least not any time soon. I realized that I just have to live and let it unfold. That concept came easier for me in some areas of life than others. For example, I kind of accepted this before I even started dating in my teenage years, so minus the hiccups from my broken-hearted moments, overall I think I managed to survive major disaster in that area (let’s pray it stays that way)! But in the arenas of career, finances, and “success,” I have beaten my head against the “I want to know” wall many times. Oddly, for the most part, I have loved the opportunities I have taken along the way, but I still have passions and dreams ready to been seen and experienced. But when and how, I just don’t know.

“I don’t know” is not always a comfortable place to be in. I have come to find peace in the unknown and accept that life’s process is a series of uncertainties. However, every now and then I still get the run-before-you-crawl, “are we there yet,” and the “how am I going to get there” attitude. My anxiety, fear, and insecurities try to chime in on the party which makes for a huge moment of BLAH. I used to hate those moments because I would always say to myself “I thought you were stronger than that.” It is not in having BLAH moments, process questions, and mental battles that makes a person weak. The weakness comes when we allow those thoughts to linger and dwell in our minds. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that I “don’t know…” I may not know who, what, when, why, or how, but I know who I am… and I believe in me. I am me. I am strong. I am great. And, my greatness concludes that it does not need all the answers to life in order to be great.

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